Letter #131

Content Warnings:  mentions of suicide, anxiety, depression, unhealthy relationships




In late 2019, I, at the time 16, met a friend online that I thought that I connected to very well, and we ended up dating. We were a timezone apart, so we did not meet in person and could not meet up until possibly summer break due to school. However, he especially was not in a good mental space to be in a relationship with anyone. It was horrible for my health. I am diagnosed with several anxiety and depression disorders, and what was going on with him made this much worse.


He would treat me as his therapist almost every day and would constantly stress me out with threats of suicide or actual attempts. It greatly damaged my own mental health and my relationship with my family as I started to become offputting to them, and I struggled with my schoolwork.


It wasn’t until one day in February of 2020 that he attempted one night while I was asleep, and I was sure that he was dead. It almost killed me. I could not eat. I was throwing up. My parents thought I had become a shell of myself. I couldn’t go to school, as I was so broken and distressed. I thought that I had done something wrong. After a few days, I got a message from him, and he was completely fine and had just been avoiding me. My parents were pissed and could not believe that this happened. I was just glad that he was alive.


This happened for several months but got even worse as COVID hit, and we could not leave the house. After around May, he would start to avoid my messages and completely forget about plans we made together. I got dumped in July, claiming he was gay. While I do not deny that, it is extremely frustrating to me because I am transgender myself. However, because of the views that he would constantly push on me, I refused to acknowledge that part of myself and did not transition and tried to present as a girl. I wonder if the only reason he liked me in the beginning, as I was “an exception,” was because I really am a guy.


Regardless, I cut contact shortly after because of the abuse and realization that a lot of other things that he did to me were completely wrong. However, I feel like this has greatly affected my viewpoint of both the world and my relations with other people, and I struggle to connect with people in the way I did before.


I do believe that I am beginning to heal though, and I have gotten closer with my family. I am trying to be more positive. I have also transitioned and am out to my family and friends, and I am finally somewhat happy with myself, although I still have a lot to do to be the best I am. I learned that because of my attachment style as well as how I grew up, I try to adapt myself to others to make them like me, which can be extremely unhealthy, and suck the life out of you. I have been making an effort to reconnect with myself and push back against changing myself for other people. Finding things that I can do myself/spending time with myself is very healing and has been improving my academic life as well. Now I have made goals for myself, rather than for others. I really hope that one day I can be my best self.





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