Content Warnings: anxiety, academic pressure
Dear Stranger,
I hope you’re doing well. Even if you’re not, that’s okay. I think I’ve spent this past week, just kinda floating in between everything. My grades aren’t really all that great, I need to pick my classes for next year, and I have a crush on a guy who’s going to graduate soon. I feel like I’m stuck in between choices, and I’m scared to fully commit to one side. My motivation has been at an all time low, and I’m just so tired.
I have major exams coming up, and I’m too tired to even get out of bed. I overslept the other day and slept for 12 hours. And even when school ends, I have an internship over the summer, so I’ll still be running around. I want to be completely bold. I hate this insecure feeling of just being caught in the middle, but I can’t even get up on time from bed, and I feel like I’m barely staying afloat. I used to love going on runs and just spending time outside. Now, I don’t even have time for that, and I hate it. I know it’s just all a part of growing up, but I want to feel confident and not like I have to keep looking behind my shoulders all the time, wondering if someone is looking or judging me.
Sometimes, it feels like everyone is staring even if no one is looking, and it triggers my anxiety really terribly. Listening to music on my soundproof headphones used to help me stay focused and shut everything else out, but lately that even hasn’t been working. It’s because of the lack of sleep and proper nutrients. I keep thinking to myself, it’s only a year more until I leave my hometown and go to college, but as amazing as that sounds, it also terrifies me. I’ve been living in the same place for a little more than the last decade and a half, and in a year, I’m going somewhere else. My entire life, I’ve been looking forward to this moment, but I feel like I grew up too quickly. I’m scared of making the wrong choice.
In a positive light, I suppose that shows how much I’ve experienced to know what happens if I choose the wrong choice. But if I don’t make a move, I’m also just stuck here, physically and metaphorically. I’m not sure what to do. My classes, this amazing guy and just everything in general. I think I’m just really scared and need time to process everything, but everything is just going past me so quickly.
Stay safe everyone!
