tw: depression, intrusive thoughts
Hello reader,
I hope you’re alright, if not, that’s okay, too. At this age, I really thought I’d have everything figured out. Y’know, college, life, future. I thought I’d feel more like an adult. I thought that life would make sense now. I wanted it to make sense. But it doesn’t. I’m still figuring things out, I’m trying to figure everything out, but it feels like I can’t, like I’m stuck in an escape room with no correct answer. I wonder if it’s the same for everyone else, or if it’s just for me. I’ve lost so many people, not lost as in passing, but like losing touch with people. Lately, I just feel so detached and just emotionless. I hate feeling like this, I feel like I’m just stuck in this constant repetition of meaningless travel. Every day, I wake up and live my life, but I don’t know what is the right way up. I don’t know my left, right, down or up. I just feel like there’s no direction. I hate this feeling. I hate like I don’t know who I am. It feels like I’m looking at a mirror, screaming and asking who I am, but she just smiles and looks back at me.
I thought love came easy, I thought life came easy, but I guess that was just me undermining how difficult life can really be. I just hate the idea that I don’t know what comes next. I hate the lack of concrete evidence. I’ve done nothing to support the idea that I can achieve success. God, sometimes, I want to just run far away. I just want to run until I can’t run. I just want to scream until I can’t. I feel like I’m just constantly trapped and just lost. I want to feel okay again, I want to feel like a kid. I used to be so eager to grow up, but I hate this feeling. My life isn’t hard, I know that, but, God, I just want to stop disappointing people. I want to stop with the sleepless nights of constant overthinking. I want the dark thoughts to stop, but it seems like every time I fend them off, it comes back stronger ten-fold. I hate it. I hate it so much. Does it ever stop? Life is just crashing into me, and I’m just so angry all the time. And then I feel guilty every time I enjoy something, and I wonder if I deserve anything good at all. I hate it.
Anyway, stay safe out there.
