Content Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts/tendencies
Dear stranger,
I remember learning in psychology class that sad people tend to listen to sad music instead of happy music in hopes of raising their spirits. Logically, I can see how that doesn’t make sense. No one wants to be sad and miserable, right? But to me, nothing sounded wrong about it at all. The thing people hate most is being wrong. So when you’re low, thinking you’re a pathetic mess that can’t do anything right, and you hear music screaming about wild parties, love, and fun, you get angry because it seems like the music is saying, “everything is awesome and I’m so happy, why aren’t you?” And that just makes everything worse. You’re the one with the problem. You’re the one that’s broken, so get with it or kindly leave us out of your pity party.
These days, I can’t stand to hear other people’s good news. My aunt and uncle are retiring to Texas. My older cousin is having his second child. Another is moving away with her boyfriend. I don’t want to hear it; shift the conversation back to something stupid and non-consequential. The cliche here is to say, “oh, but I really am happy for them”, but am I? I really, genuinely don’t think I am. I can only feel gnawing envy at the reminder that that’s something I don’t have. Why don’t I have that? Why didn’t I do that? Because I’m incompetent. Because I chose to stay behind, and not choose anything. I don’t want to be reminded of that fact, and I get angry at that person, even though I know they’re not gloating, and this is just normal conversation. Of course, if I had good news, then I would want to tell people too. And why should I have to be eternally cognizant of other people’s feelings? Just give me five seconds in the limelight and let me catch some congratulations and good jobs.
I know that’s a terrible and hypocritical way of thinking. That’s why I keep silent and hope no one notices how lacking I am in comparison. I’m constantly searching for some reflection to tell me that I’m not actually that bad, or that someone else feels the same pain I do. I watch reality shows with horrible people that get called out for being unable to make changes to their lives and constantly making excuses. I see them fail and alienate everyone around them into giving up on them. In another show, all the contestants get yelled at for their mistakes and get into all sorts of petty drama. They’re all trainwrecks, but not trainwrecks I would make. No, I am better than that, I am above them, and I feel snug in my own superiority for once.
Another thing I seek out is characters that are depressed or suicidal. They go through their day with downcast eyes. Throughout the story, cracks begin showing in their will to go on. Artistic renditions of their stress and anger: I take all of that in with rapt attention. And when that character gets closer to the edge, I think…just let them fall. But then, character development or story progress happens, people come to their aid, they spill their guts out through inelegant tears, and they start healing and moving on.
That’s the part where I lose interest. Because I don’t know how to get there myself. Please keep the sad music going.
