Content Warning: emotional distress, therapy, self-deprecation
Dear Friend,
I wish I could make this one Life Letter accurately reflect my whole life, but I know that is impossible. I would need at least five books to cover everything.
I don’t think I’ve ever shared my deepest thoughts with somebody before. I’m not that good at improvisation. I wouldn’t know where to start or how much to include. It feels like I’d have to write an argumentative essay with a full claim, evidence, reasoning, and counterargument to justify my feelings and convince people I’m not crazy.
I can’t tell if I just lack a good listener or if my own guilt keeps me from sharing. If I pile up all the facts, I’m technically privileged—I’m middle-class, and my parents try their best for me. My life is slowly getting “better,” isn’t it? More friends, better grades and achievements. It’s great on paper, but my life never feels any fuller. I still feel the same way as I always did: easily numb and easily dissociating. And the worst part is that although I can recognise all my unhealthy habits, my slow self-destruction, and my rapidly growing apathy, I feel helpless to stop it. All the techniques I used in the past to pull myself out—music, exercise, sleep, meditation, nature, writing—are slowly losing effectiveness. I can only cross my fingers, sit it out, and hope tomorrow will be better. And I hate that.
I always feel there’s something missing from my life, but I just don’t know what. And honestly I’m not sure if I have the energy to keep looking…
It’s probably time for me to try therapy! (I can’t afford therapy.)
Tags: depression, therapy, self-deprecation, coping mechanisms, dissociation
