Content Warnings: Self-isolation, social ostracization
To my closest friend,
Why are you so upset? What has gotten you so maddened that you’re furiously scribbling nonsense into that silly little notebook of yours, that thing filled with “anime” doodles that you’re convinced you’re any good at? Oh, I see, you’re sitting alone at lunch, quite the standout sight among the sea of tables packed to the brim with chatting students. Still, I don’t see why that would make you upset. You don’t have friends. You don’t talk to anyone. You’re in a perpetual state of waiting for a mythical someone to come and make the first move.
Yet even when someone comes, you have to act in that…odd way. Distant, aloof, enigmatic, hard to read. You think it makes you look cool and protects you from “jerks” that just want to see if the fabled quiet kid lives up to the legend. Which you don’t, obviously. Movies and TV shows give you too much credit, you’re just awkward and say nothing with nothing to show for it.
Anyways! Let’s take a look at that notebook…Oh, uh, huh. You’re upset over those people that happen to sit at that same table? The friends of that girl you’re somewhat acquainted with? She was only being generous. You know she hugs everyone and you don’t even talk with her outside of lunch. And you don’t know any of their names, nor they yours. Your attempt to be quirky with one of them about them not knowing how to use chopsticks backfired so badly, you came off as judgmental and weird. I have no idea how you continued to sit there. Oh, right, sticking to the cycle is easier than doing something new.
So. Why exactly are you upset they’re not sitting with you? They’re not your friends. At best, they’re people crossing your path that know how to be polite and amicable. That’s all it is, all it ever was. They don’t owe you anything, but go ahead and play the slighted victim anyway. That’s the only way you can feel any power or control, when someone owes you recompense and you’re in a position to rightfully demand it. But, that’s okay. Those thoughts will keep you going for a little while, and to be honest you’re already used to being alone anyway. You just like being dramatic from time to time, like how wildfires consuming everything are actually a normal part of nature. Everything just needs to burn sometimes.
Even if no one talked to you, you would be fine. You’re used to it. You never had it in the first place, so how can you miss it? People leave you, and you’re fine. If they won’t miss you, you won’t miss them. You can exist on your own.
Because you’re fine.
